A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He first grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard
balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -
whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats
everything in sight. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his
monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running all
around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey
finds a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his
butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut,
and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender asks. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church
to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a
big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house,
the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed
that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She
mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant
to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the
house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke
up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should
wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement,
next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the
parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit
puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

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Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

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