John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON
Met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When it died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY
Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny
answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says,
"Little boy, is your father home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
floor and says, "What do you think?"

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."