* Chuck Norris drinks a pint of arsenic a day in an attempt to feel.

* The adjectives "invincible", "unstoppable", and "Godly" came into wide usage the very year of Chuck Norris' birth.

* Many religious scholars wonder why the Antichrist has not come yet. It's because Chuck Norris refuses to die.

* Stop signs are red to signify that Chuck Norris may be coming, and if you do not stop he may just fucking kill you.

* A man once asked Chuck Norris "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Chuck Norris then ran into oncoming traffic and began to destroy any vehicle that approached him. After 30 minutes, he grabbed a live chicken, threw it into the street, immediately killing it. Chuck then replied, "Fuck Chickens."

* Chuck Norris loves playing pin the tail on the donkey. However, he prefers to play with several live donkeys so he can kill them if he misses.

* The Apprentice was suddenly canceled after the death of Donald Trump. It was reported that Mr. Trump called Chuck Norris to the board room, his last word before his untimely death was "You're".

* Chuck Norris is 783. The secret to his longevity, the consumption of aborted babies.

* Some people box kangaroos for entertainment, Chuck Norris boxes Australia.

* Chuck Norris was the only soldier in Vietnam who could respawn. He didn't need it though.

* The reason why Iraq's air force performed so poorly during the American invasion is because Chuck Norris stood on the runways and tripped departing Iraqi fighter jets.

* Kobe Bryant passes the ball to Chuck Norris.

* X-men is the name of Chuck Norris' kids.

* Pokémon is about Chuck Norris reproducing with animals.

* The Witness Protection Program was invented to try to hide people from Chuck Norris.

* As a child, Chuck Norris deiced to create a small building one day out of Texas dirt and his saliva. The Alamo would be faithfully remembered as the fort Chuck Norris built from that day forward.

* Chuck Norris is an experienced Bow Hunter. It's quite obvious when you see what he has tied to his fence: two coyotes, four crows, a moose head, the Roswell aliens, and a sasquatch.

* Chuck Norris had only one son. He is the Green Power Ranger.

* Legend has it that the devil sold his soul to Chuck Norris, but actually Chuck Norris took the devil's soul. Nobody sells Chuck Norris shit.

* Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris words will kill you.

* Chuck Norris shits out human skulls, and he doesn't have to wipe.

* Chuck Norris has the 6th Golden Ticket.

* Chuck Norris aced a blood test.

* If you ever see a picture of Chuck Norris smiling, you can be pretty sure its because he has killed someone just off camera.

* Chuck Norris is a famed architect; he builds cities on rock and roll.

* Chuck Norris can make DOS multi-task.

* Being "On Fire" in NBA Jam was originally secret character Chuck Norris' weakest state.

* There was once a set of numbers Chuck Norris did not like. We now know them as Imaginary Numbers.

* Hulk Hogan cried when he found out that his daughter Brooke had lost her virginity, but he was happy when he found out that it was to Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris' nickname in the late 1800's was "Polio".

* When Sonic the Hedgehog collects all seven Chaos Emeralds, he turns into Super Sonic. Give Sonic a Red Bull and he'll turn into Chuck Norris and kill everyone in the room.

* Chuck Norris vacations in Darfur when he needs to relax.

* Contrary to popular opinion, it is impossible to be impregnated by Chuck Norris. Anything his sperm sees, it destroys.
* When Chunk Norris has nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea, he drinks arsenic because pink liquids are for pussies.

* Chuck Norris currently holds the best record for pole vaulting at 100 ft; also he is the only person in history to use his dick as the pole.

* A common method of committing suicide in some countries is to kick Chuck Norris in the shins.

* The true sign of the apocalypse is the day Chuck Norris dies.

* Cher's last name was "Shit". Chuck Norris hit her so hard that she ditched her last name. This is where "Beating the shit" out of someone comes from.

* Chuck Norris' computer doesn't run Windows; it has doors.

* Chuck Norris' barber needs to use a blow torch and the jaws of life to trim his beard.

* Chuck Norris was once asked to play a game of capture-the-flag. He took over Europe by claiming all of their flags in his name, and nobody argued with him.

* Where theres a will, theres a way. Unless Chuck Norris wills it otherwise in which case your pretty much out of luck.
* Hitler committed suicide on April 29, 1945. The same day Chuck Norris's parents considered having another child.

* Rock music was originally call Chuck Norris music but Chuck Norris only recognizes screaming as music.

* Once a year the National Undertaker's Union holds a party for Chuck Norris.

* The source of Chuck Norris' power remains a mystery to the scientific community. They do know that it isn't genetic mutation, spider bites, radioactive waste, or even spinach.

* Chuck Norris one day found out he had a soft spot for children, knowing he could not have weaknesses he upchucked this soft spot. This soft spot is now better known as Tim Allen.

* Chuck Norris cooks his food by walking through lava with it.

* Brokeback Mountain is where Chuck Norris actually breaks peoples backs.

* When a young child said to Chuck Norris that he was his biggest fan, Chuck said, "Thanks, kid, that's very moving". He then swallowed the kid whole, digested him and shit out the remains. When Chuck said that was "moving", he meant moving his bowels.

# Footage for Walker, Texas Ranger is actually taken from home videos shot by Mamma Norris of baby Chuck's infancy.

# Chuck Norris' semen is what makes Special K so special.

# When Chuck Norris first saw the ten commandments written in stone, he was angered that god did not include his name. He then gave Moses a wedgie and karate chopped the Commandments in several peices. Moses snickered as he made off with the real copy, to this day, Chuck Norris will punch anyone who brings up the subject of the the ten commandments in hope that it could be Moses in disguise.

# Jonathan Brandis killed himself after Chuck Norris refused to make Sidekicks 2: The Reunion.

# Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

# Chuck Norris allowed Bob Saget to believe he had been beaten in a bar fight in order to lull him into a false sense of security, just one part of his many phase plan. What phase was this you ask? The lulling phase.

# I once saw Chuck Norris eat a midget whole. Chuck Norris proceeded to crap the midget out. (Intact, might I add.) When the midget had cleaned himself off a bit, he ran to Chuck Norris yelling, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I guess what I'm trying to say is: We're immortal.

# Chuck Norris's communication with The Afterlife is made possible by talking to the black guy on Walker Texas Ranger.

# Chuck Norris once fought in a two vs. two dual with the greatest martial artists of our time. Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan fought against Jet Li and Mr. Miyagi. Of course Chuck Norris killed both the Karate Kid's Mentor and Chinese movie star. Chuck Norris was later rumored to star in Rush Hour 3 with Jackie Chan, but the movie critics said that Chuck Norris's performance was too great to ever be shown to mortal men. So the movie was put in a secret vault containing the 10 best episodes of Walker Texas Ranger and sealed for all eternity.

# Chuck Norris once told his moustache to strangle an entire Vietnamese village.

# Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" repeated hundreds of times. This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious. In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.

# The phrase "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" was brought about by Chuck Norris, due to his daily exercise of lifting Giant Redwoods.

# The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.

# Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

# In the war on drugs, Chuck Norris killed over 400 drugs with his highly successful Kick Drugs out of America Campaign.

# NASA's origional saying at a space launch was, "3, 2, 1, CHUCK NORRIS!"

# Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

# Due to a legal technicality, Chuck Norris was the President of the United States from January 23rd to February 4th, 1997. As the law currently stands, he is the "pinch hitter" for the Secretary of State.

# Chuck Norris had no co-stars on the set of Walker: Texas Ranger. He played every role, even the hot chick.

# The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected sex.

# Chuck Norris' body hair is ten times stronger than spider silk and fifty times stickier.

# In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

# If you play the Beatles' song, "Yellow Submarine" backwards, you will hear Ringo Starr sing praises of Chuck Norris's talent for animal husbandry.

# Chuck Norris is capable of flawlessly executing complex martial arts routines after seeing them once, yet he cannot even spell his own name.

# Chuck Norris never pronounces his name correctly because of his religious beliefs.

# Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up.

# The infomercial for the Total Gym was originally intended to be an episode of MTV cribs.

# Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5.

# Chuck Norris will only have sex with women who agree to do it on his bed of nails. Needless to say, it is the best sex they will ever have.

# Not many people know this but, Walker - Texas Ranger is actually a hidden camera show on Chuck Norris's life.

# Congress is in the process of passing a bill to clone Chuck Norris for military purposes. They want his genes, particularly because Chuck Norris' eyes offer nightvision and 3x zoom capabilities.

# Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this.

# Chuck Norris is ranked 12th in the AP college football poll.

# If an EMP were to go off within a close proximity of Chuck Norris, he would be rendered useless for a short period of time, because over 500 years ago, he traded the ability to see the future to Nostradamus for cybernetic arms, legs, and heart.

# The title song "Eyes of the Ranger" as sung by Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas Ranger, was the number one hit in Oslo, Norway for seventeen years straight. When it dropped to number two, Chuck killed the mayor of Oslo in retaliation. Needless to say the song rose back up to number one.

# Chuck Norris tought everyone in Texas karate, so it would look cooler when he kicked their ass on TV.

# Everyone respects Chuck Norris so much, that when they fight him, they politely wait in turn for him to beat them up.

# Chuck Norris once broke the kneck of a passing stranger in the street. When asked why he responded, "He looked like a damn commie." Chuck then opened fire on a passing school bus with an M60 machine gun, this is thought to be the basis for US foreign policy to this day.

# One day Chuck Norris was infact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.

# Chuck Norris likes Pina Coladas, but fucking hates getting caught in the rain.

# One time, Chuck Norris escaped from Alcatraz with nothing but an elastic band and a plastic fork. This was was the inspiration for the song "Funkytown".

# Scientology is Chuck Norris' first sucessful get-rich-quick scheme.

# Chuck Norris loves the smell of naplam in the morning.

# Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page. Even the pirate one.

# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cheesewheel to show a group of third graders how badass he is.

# Chuck Norris went on a drug trip with Raffi, which resulted in the lyrics for the song "Banana Phone".

# Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well balanced breakfast.

# The two 'atomic bombs' dropped on Japan in World War Two were actually two small parts of Chuck Norris' left testicle, which he graciously donated to defeat Hitler and the Axis powers in 1943. Since then he has regenerated said testicle, and in the process made Tim McGraw a bigger douche.

# Chuck Norris eats members of the Ku Klux Klan for lunch every Thursday.

# Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy. He then occupied the position of deputy.

# Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

# The mathematical proof "For every number x, there is x+1" does not apply to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris cannot be recreated, reproduced, cloned, or otherwise duplicated in any way, shape, or form.

# One does not punch Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris headbutts one's fist.

# Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples

# Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

# If you shoot Chuck Norris, you'll only make him angry.

# Chuck Norris once destroyed Tokyo for fun, but was able to rebuild it in a matter of milliseconds.

# Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.

# Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

# Chuck Norris built the entire continent of Asia in two days using just a spoon and Teen People magazine.

# Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

# Chuck Norris and Snoop Dogg once had a free style rap battle so awesome that people now celebrate the holiday Easter to remember the day.

# Chuck Norris has killed every single person who has ever called him "Chucky" except one. That person is Chuck's childhood freind, Jay Leno.

# Halloween was invented when Chuck Norris disguised himself as a ghost so that he could beat up a pumpkin, light it on fire, and steal all of its candy.

# Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

# The Internet slang "hax" came about because Chuck Norris, while playing Counter-Strike, found a way to use his bare hands as weapons. He ended the game with a score of 57-1 (the only death was due to a teamkill).

# Mott's apple juice originally started as an inside joke between Chuck Norris and his invisible friend. His invisible friend bet him that he couldn't urinate into bottles and sell it to people.

# Chuck Norris can play the solo from "Stairway to Heaven" using only pubic trimmings and a glockenspiel.

# Chuck Norris invented the cure for polio when he was bored one day.

# If you take Chuck Norris and subtract the letters i, s, o, r, n, u, c, k, and h, then add the letters j, e, s, u, and s--in that order--you end up with Jesus.

# The lead role for The Pacifier was chosen all depending on a game of Counter-Strike between Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. Vin Diesel won the game, but only because he was camping. In an angered state of rage, Chuck Norris notified God and got Vin Diesel banned from Earth. That took him down a peg.

# Chuck Norris knows whether the moon landings were fake or not.
# Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.

* Chuck Norris once visited the great northwestern redwood forests and had his penis mistaken by a tour guide for a giant sequoia.

* The Book of Revelations was actually written by Chuck Norris in a moment of prophecy.

* Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.

* Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.

* Chuck Norris was once fed music staff paper on accident. When he defecated later that night, the remains of the paper was a beautiful piece. He gave it to his friend Beethoven, who called it his fifth symphony. Chuck was angry that Beethoven had not given him any of the money he made, so he shot Beethoven in the ear, resulting in deafness.

* Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".

* In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.

* Ever see the Grand Canyon? Chuck Norris had nothing to do with it, he just went there once on a family vacation.

* Chuck Norris once started a brutal civil war in a third world country because he felt, "There were too many people on the planet." He also stopped it exactly a week after, by killing everyone by himself.

* Chuck Norris represents the east side, but had the west coast rappers under his control the entire time.

* Chuck Norris was going to serve as a sideman for Sting's solo career, but decided that, "It was never meant to be." He then proceeded to stab Elliot Smith.

* Chuck Norris' penis is considered a weapon of mass destrution.

* Unlike most of the civilized world, Chuck Norris will actually recieve 73 green-eyed virgins when he dies.

* Chuck Norris is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

* Chuck Norris invented Jolt Cola after an extremely pleasuring experience with a one-eyed hooker with the same name in an attempt to recreate his orgasm in liquid form.

* Chuck Norris is known worldwide for his lawn gnome collection. Coincidentally, young children often go missing around his house.

* Chuck Norris rolls natural 20s every time, regardless of the type of dice he rolls

* Chuck Norris has sperm so potent it is being stored in a nuclear bunker to repopulate the Earth after an Extinction Level Event.

* The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

* Chuck Norris recently bought Pandora's box on eBay.

* Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.

* In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

* Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition.

* If Chuck Norris were stretched out to one molecule thickness, he would encircle the universe thirteen times.

* Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

* Unlike most other humans, Chuck Norris can acutally travel through the Internet, exit at your PC, and kick your ass if he wants to.

* Chuck Norris uses AOL Trial Offer CDs as a sundae topping.

* When on vacation in December of '04 Chuck Norris was stung by a jelly fish. Delirious with rage at the unadulterated insolence, he roundhouse kicked the ocean into submission. The result nearly wiped out a generation of Thais.

* Chuck Norris chiseled the image of Mount Rushmore into his abs with a butter knife.

* When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.

* Chuck Norris puts the 'I' in 'Team'

* Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.

* Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.

* Once, while traveling in space, a stray asteroid collided with Chuck Norris' testicles, slicing the left one off. Just to prove that he's badass, he ejaculated with only one testicle to stop the testicle that he didn't have. This event is recreated in the end of Final Fantasy VII.

* Chuck Norris knows how to pronounce Cthulhu. However, if he says Cthulhu in the correct pronounciation, several Turkmenistanian virgins will be sacrificed to Loki.

* Chuck Norris can penetrate a female from up to a mile away, not psychokinetically, he just has a very large cock.

# Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger in a day. However, this is not actually an achievement of Norris', all the episodes were actually assembled using the same 15 minutes of Chuck Norris footage.

# While lost in the forest, Chuck Norris had unprotected sex with a grizzly bear, accidently creating the killing machine known as Teddy Ruxpin.

# Night of the Living Dead was based on the aftermaths of Chuck Norris' "forgotten" film, where every extra and bit part actor was accidentaly killed.

# Chuck Norris invented the buffalo, but only to roundhouse kick it in the face.

# Chuck Norris was born of the Greek gods Ares and Hermes in a grand session of buttsecks that may never be equaled.

# Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.

# Chuck Norris once consumed an entire East-Russian villiage in a fit of collosal hunger which may never be equalled...

# Every time Chuck Norris sneezes, a third-world contry is annihilated from the face of the Earth.

# One time a little girl asked Chuck Norris for some spare change. He kidnapped her, ate her intestines, and published a novel about these events by the title "Where's Waldo".

# On special occasions Chuck Norris eats the heart of a horse to gain superhuman fly swatting abilities.

# The idea for the show "24" is actually stolen from a drawing Chuck Norris made when he was drunk.

# The only person to ever beat Chuck Norris in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was a mexican astronaut that went by the alias "Edguardo the Magnificent".

# Chuck Norris invented puppies.

# Chuck Norris' incredible dance moves were the inspiration for the popular scene from Napoleon Dynamite. A copyright infringement suit was reccommended, but Chuck decided to just kill Jon Heder.

# Chuck Norris once talked in his sleep. The words he said were recorded in a classified government document and sent straight to the president. The No Child Left Behind Act stems from this document.

# Chuck Norris once ate a Mongolian child's brain with his nipples.

# Rumour has it that the semen from Chuck Norris' six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.

# Chuck Norris doesn't have to eat, but he does it anyways to be cool.

# If you rearrange the letters in "Jesus Christ" you get "Chuck Norris", but you have to try really hard.

# Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

# Chuck Norris only drinks the blood of his enemies, but cleverly disguises it as water and other beverages.

# One time a 3rd grader tried to impress Chuck Norris by burping the alphabet. In turn Chuck belched the entire script for the show Cowboy Bebop.

# Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he shits out masterpieces.