Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris makes egg salad with ninchucks.

For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Chuck Norris is so hardcore, all of his hair is actually made of fire.

Chuck Norris singlehandledy discovered the fifth element while jacking off to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"

Chuck Norris has a lever next to his desk which, when pulled, plays a random Conan O'Brian clip.

Chuck Norris was born with his beard.

Chuck Norris was the 5th face on Mount Rushmore, but when the artist got his nose wrong, Norris karate chopped it off the mountain.

Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet delicate enough to cradle a newborn to sleep.

Chuck Norris can crush coal into diamonds

Chuck Norris got drunk and fucked the Statue of Liberty, then bragged about it to the Lincoln Memorial.

Chuck Norris played the shark in Jaws

Chuck Norris eats all the cereal featured in those Total commercials. The ones with like 50 bowls stacked full of Raisin Bran. He then spends 3 months in the bathroom, and doesn't need to eat again until the following spring

Chuck Norris choked the writer of 'Sidekicks' to death.

Chuck Norris smells like fresh cut grass

Chuck Norris can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth

Chuck Norris's sperm are as big as eels

Chuck Norris has a penis like a Pringles can. When flaccid.

Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.

Chuck Norris is one of the Twelve superhumans that can eat their own heads and live to tell the tale (using sign language).