* Chuck Norris once visited the great northwestern redwood forests and had his penis mistaken by a tour guide for a giant sequoia.

* The Book of Revelations was actually written by Chuck Norris in a moment of prophecy.

* Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.

* Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.

* Chuck Norris was once fed music staff paper on accident. When he defecated later that night, the remains of the paper was a beautiful piece. He gave it to his friend Beethoven, who called it his fifth symphony. Chuck was angry that Beethoven had not given him any of the money he made, so he shot Beethoven in the ear, resulting in deafness.

* Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".

* In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.

* Ever see the Grand Canyon? Chuck Norris had nothing to do with it, he just went there once on a family vacation.

* Chuck Norris once started a brutal civil war in a third world country because he felt, "There were too many people on the planet." He also stopped it exactly a week after, by killing everyone by himself.

* Chuck Norris represents the east side, but had the west coast rappers under his control the entire time.

* Chuck Norris was going to serve as a sideman for Sting's solo career, but decided that, "It was never meant to be." He then proceeded to stab Elliot Smith.

* Chuck Norris' penis is considered a weapon of mass destrution.

* Unlike most of the civilized world, Chuck Norris will actually recieve 73 green-eyed virgins when he dies.

* Chuck Norris is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

* Chuck Norris invented Jolt Cola after an extremely pleasuring experience with a one-eyed hooker with the same name in an attempt to recreate his orgasm in liquid form.

* Chuck Norris is known worldwide for his lawn gnome collection. Coincidentally, young children often go missing around his house.

* Chuck Norris rolls natural 20s every time, regardless of the type of dice he rolls

* Chuck Norris has sperm so potent it is being stored in a nuclear bunker to repopulate the Earth after an Extinction Level Event.

* The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

* Chuck Norris recently bought Pandora's box on eBay.

* Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.

* In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

* Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition.

* If Chuck Norris were stretched out to one molecule thickness, he would encircle the universe thirteen times.

* Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

* Unlike most other humans, Chuck Norris can acutally travel through the Internet, exit at your PC, and kick your ass if he wants to.

* Chuck Norris uses AOL Trial Offer CDs as a sundae topping.

* When on vacation in December of '04 Chuck Norris was stung by a jelly fish. Delirious with rage at the unadulterated insolence, he roundhouse kicked the ocean into submission. The result nearly wiped out a generation of Thais.

* Chuck Norris chiseled the image of Mount Rushmore into his abs with a butter knife.

* When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.

* Chuck Norris puts the 'I' in 'Team'

* Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.

* Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.

* Once, while traveling in space, a stray asteroid collided with Chuck Norris' testicles, slicing the left one off. Just to prove that he's badass, he ejaculated with only one testicle to stop the testicle that he didn't have. This event is recreated in the end of Final Fantasy VII.

* Chuck Norris knows how to pronounce Cthulhu. However, if he says Cthulhu in the correct pronounciation, several Turkmenistanian virgins will be sacrificed to Loki.

* Chuck Norris can penetrate a female from up to a mile away, not psychokinetically, he just has a very large cock.