# Chuck Norris likes Pina Coladas, but fucking hates getting caught in the rain.

# One time, Chuck Norris escaped from Alcatraz with nothing but an elastic band and a plastic fork. This was was the inspiration for the song "Funkytown".

# Scientology is Chuck Norris' first sucessful get-rich-quick scheme.

# Chuck Norris loves the smell of naplam in the morning.

# Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page. Even the pirate one.

# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cheesewheel to show a group of third graders how badass he is.

# Chuck Norris went on a drug trip with Raffi, which resulted in the lyrics for the song "Banana Phone".

# Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well balanced breakfast.

# The two 'atomic bombs' dropped on Japan in World War Two were actually two small parts of Chuck Norris' left testicle, which he graciously donated to defeat Hitler and the Axis powers in 1943. Since then he has regenerated said testicle, and in the process made Tim McGraw a bigger douche.

# Chuck Norris eats members of the Ku Klux Klan for lunch every Thursday.

# Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy. He then occupied the position of deputy.

# Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

# The mathematical proof "For every number x, there is x+1" does not apply to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris cannot be recreated, reproduced, cloned, or otherwise duplicated in any way, shape, or form.

# One does not punch Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris headbutts one's fist.

# Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples

# Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

# If you shoot Chuck Norris, you'll only make him angry.

# Chuck Norris once destroyed Tokyo for fun, but was able to rebuild it in a matter of milliseconds.

# Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.

# Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

# Chuck Norris built the entire continent of Asia in two days using just a spoon and Teen People magazine.

# Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.

# Chuck Norris and Snoop Dogg once had a free style rap battle so awesome that people now celebrate the holiday Easter to remember the day.

# Chuck Norris has killed every single person who has ever called him "Chucky" except one. That person is Chuck's childhood freind, Jay Leno.

# Halloween was invented when Chuck Norris disguised himself as a ghost so that he could beat up a pumpkin, light it on fire, and steal all of its candy.

# Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.

# The Internet slang "hax" came about because Chuck Norris, while playing Counter-Strike, found a way to use his bare hands as weapons. He ended the game with a score of 57-1 (the only death was due to a teamkill).

# Mott's apple juice originally started as an inside joke between Chuck Norris and his invisible friend. His invisible friend bet him that he couldn't urinate into bottles and sell it to people.

# Chuck Norris can play the solo from "Stairway to Heaven" using only pubic trimmings and a glockenspiel.

# Chuck Norris invented the cure for polio when he was bored one day.

# If you take Chuck Norris and subtract the letters i, s, o, r, n, u, c, k, and h, then add the letters j, e, s, u, and s--in that order--you end up with Jesus.

# The lead role for The Pacifier was chosen all depending on a game of Counter-Strike between Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. Vin Diesel won the game, but only because he was camping. In an angered state of rage, Chuck Norris notified God and got Vin Diesel banned from Earth. That took him down a peg.

# Chuck Norris knows whether the moon landings were fake or not.
# Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.