# Footage for Walker, Texas Ranger is actually taken from home videos shot by Mamma Norris of baby Chuck's infancy.

# Chuck Norris' semen is what makes Special K so special.

# When Chuck Norris first saw the ten commandments written in stone, he was angered that god did not include his name. He then gave Moses a wedgie and karate chopped the Commandments in several peices. Moses snickered as he made off with the real copy, to this day, Chuck Norris will punch anyone who brings up the subject of the the ten commandments in hope that it could be Moses in disguise.

# Jonathan Brandis killed himself after Chuck Norris refused to make Sidekicks 2: The Reunion.

# Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

# Chuck Norris allowed Bob Saget to believe he had been beaten in a bar fight in order to lull him into a false sense of security, just one part of his many phase plan. What phase was this you ask? The lulling phase.

# I once saw Chuck Norris eat a midget whole. Chuck Norris proceeded to crap the midget out. (Intact, might I add.) When the midget had cleaned himself off a bit, he ran to Chuck Norris yelling, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I guess what I'm trying to say is: We're immortal.

# Chuck Norris's communication with The Afterlife is made possible by talking to the black guy on Walker Texas Ranger.

# Chuck Norris once fought in a two vs. two dual with the greatest martial artists of our time. Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan fought against Jet Li and Mr. Miyagi. Of course Chuck Norris killed both the Karate Kid's Mentor and Chinese movie star. Chuck Norris was later rumored to star in Rush Hour 3 with Jackie Chan, but the movie critics said that Chuck Norris's performance was too great to ever be shown to mortal men. So the movie was put in a secret vault containing the 10 best episodes of Walker Texas Ranger and sealed for all eternity.

# Chuck Norris once told his moustache to strangle an entire Vietnamese village.

# Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" repeated hundreds of times. This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious. In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.

# The phrase "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" was brought about by Chuck Norris, due to his daily exercise of lifting Giant Redwoods.

# The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.

# Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

# In the war on drugs, Chuck Norris killed over 400 drugs with his highly successful Kick Drugs out of America Campaign.

# NASA's origional saying at a space launch was, "3, 2, 1, CHUCK NORRIS!"

# Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

# Due to a legal technicality, Chuck Norris was the President of the United States from January 23rd to February 4th, 1997. As the law currently stands, he is the "pinch hitter" for the Secretary of State.

# Chuck Norris had no co-stars on the set of Walker: Texas Ranger. He played every role, even the hot chick.

# The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected sex.

# Chuck Norris' body hair is ten times stronger than spider silk and fifty times stickier.

# In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

# If you play the Beatles' song, "Yellow Submarine" backwards, you will hear Ringo Starr sing praises of Chuck Norris's talent for animal husbandry.

# Chuck Norris is capable of flawlessly executing complex martial arts routines after seeing them once, yet he cannot even spell his own name.

# Chuck Norris never pronounces his name correctly because of his religious beliefs.

# Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up.

# The infomercial for the Total Gym was originally intended to be an episode of MTV cribs.

# Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5.

# Chuck Norris will only have sex with women who agree to do it on his bed of nails. Needless to say, it is the best sex they will ever have.

# Not many people know this but, Walker - Texas Ranger is actually a hidden camera show on Chuck Norris's life.

# Congress is in the process of passing a bill to clone Chuck Norris for military purposes. They want his genes, particularly because Chuck Norris' eyes offer nightvision and 3x zoom capabilities.

# Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this.

# Chuck Norris is ranked 12th in the AP college football poll.

# If an EMP were to go off within a close proximity of Chuck Norris, he would be rendered useless for a short period of time, because over 500 years ago, he traded the ability to see the future to Nostradamus for cybernetic arms, legs, and heart.

# The title song "Eyes of the Ranger" as sung by Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas Ranger, was the number one hit in Oslo, Norway for seventeen years straight. When it dropped to number two, Chuck killed the mayor of Oslo in retaliation. Needless to say the song rose back up to number one.

# Chuck Norris tought everyone in Texas karate, so it would look cooler when he kicked their ass on TV.

# Everyone respects Chuck Norris so much, that when they fight him, they politely wait in turn for him to beat them up.

# Chuck Norris once broke the kneck of a passing stranger in the street. When asked why he responded, "He looked like a damn commie." Chuck then opened fire on a passing school bus with an M60 machine gun, this is thought to be the basis for US foreign policy to this day.

# One day Chuck Norris was infact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.