* Chuck Norris drinks a pint of arsenic a day in an attempt to feel.

* The adjectives "invincible", "unstoppable", and "Godly" came into wide usage the very year of Chuck Norris' birth.

* Many religious scholars wonder why the Antichrist has not come yet. It's because Chuck Norris refuses to die.

* Stop signs are red to signify that Chuck Norris may be coming, and if you do not stop he may just fucking kill you.

* A man once asked Chuck Norris "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Chuck Norris then ran into oncoming traffic and began to destroy any vehicle that approached him. After 30 minutes, he grabbed a live chicken, threw it into the street, immediately killing it. Chuck then replied, "Fuck Chickens."

* Chuck Norris loves playing pin the tail on the donkey. However, he prefers to play with several live donkeys so he can kill them if he misses.

* The Apprentice was suddenly canceled after the death of Donald Trump. It was reported that Mr. Trump called Chuck Norris to the board room, his last word before his untimely death was "You're".

* Chuck Norris is 783. The secret to his longevity, the consumption of aborted babies.

* Some people box kangaroos for entertainment, Chuck Norris boxes Australia.

* Chuck Norris was the only soldier in Vietnam who could respawn. He didn't need it though.

* The reason why Iraq's air force performed so poorly during the American invasion is because Chuck Norris stood on the runways and tripped departing Iraqi fighter jets.

* Kobe Bryant passes the ball to Chuck Norris.

* X-men is the name of Chuck Norris' kids.

* Pokémon is about Chuck Norris reproducing with animals.

* The Witness Protection Program was invented to try to hide people from Chuck Norris.

* As a child, Chuck Norris deiced to create a small building one day out of Texas dirt and his saliva. The Alamo would be faithfully remembered as the fort Chuck Norris built from that day forward.

* Chuck Norris is an experienced Bow Hunter. It's quite obvious when you see what he has tied to his fence: two coyotes, four crows, a moose head, the Roswell aliens, and a sasquatch.

* Chuck Norris had only one son. He is the Green Power Ranger.

* Legend has it that the devil sold his soul to Chuck Norris, but actually Chuck Norris took the devil's soul. Nobody sells Chuck Norris shit.

* Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris words will kill you.

* Chuck Norris shits out human skulls, and he doesn't have to wipe.

* Chuck Norris has the 6th Golden Ticket.

* Chuck Norris aced a blood test.

* If you ever see a picture of Chuck Norris smiling, you can be pretty sure its because he has killed someone just off camera.

* Chuck Norris is a famed architect; he builds cities on rock and roll.

* Chuck Norris can make DOS multi-task.

* Being "On Fire" in NBA Jam was originally secret character Chuck Norris' weakest state.

* There was once a set of numbers Chuck Norris did not like. We now know them as Imaginary Numbers.

* Hulk Hogan cried when he found out that his daughter Brooke had lost her virginity, but he was happy when he found out that it was to Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris' nickname in the late 1800's was "Polio".

* When Sonic the Hedgehog collects all seven Chaos Emeralds, he turns into Super Sonic. Give Sonic a Red Bull and he'll turn into Chuck Norris and kill everyone in the room.

* Chuck Norris vacations in Darfur when he needs to relax.

* Contrary to popular opinion, it is impossible to be impregnated by Chuck Norris. Anything his sperm sees, it destroys.
* When Chunk Norris has nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, or diarrhea, he drinks arsenic because pink liquids are for pussies.

* Chuck Norris currently holds the best record for pole vaulting at 100 ft; also he is the only person in history to use his dick as the pole.

* A common method of committing suicide in some countries is to kick Chuck Norris in the shins.

* The true sign of the apocalypse is the day Chuck Norris dies.

* Cher's last name was "Shit". Chuck Norris hit her so hard that she ditched her last name. This is where "Beating the shit" out of someone comes from.

* Chuck Norris' computer doesn't run Windows; it has doors.

* Chuck Norris' barber needs to use a blow torch and the jaws of life to trim his beard.

* Chuck Norris was once asked to play a game of capture-the-flag. He took over Europe by claiming all of their flags in his name, and nobody argued with him.

* Where theres a will, theres a way. Unless Chuck Norris wills it otherwise in which case your pretty much out of luck.
* Hitler committed suicide on April 29, 1945. The same day Chuck Norris's parents considered having another child.

* Rock music was originally call Chuck Norris music but Chuck Norris only recognizes screaming as music.

* Once a year the National Undertaker's Union holds a party for Chuck Norris.

* The source of Chuck Norris' power remains a mystery to the scientific community. They do know that it isn't genetic mutation, spider bites, radioactive waste, or even spinach.

* Chuck Norris one day found out he had a soft spot for children, knowing he could not have weaknesses he upchucked this soft spot. This soft spot is now better known as Tim Allen.

* Chuck Norris cooks his food by walking through lava with it.

* Brokeback Mountain is where Chuck Norris actually breaks peoples backs.

* When a young child said to Chuck Norris that he was his biggest fan, Chuck said, "Thanks, kid, that's very moving". He then swallowed the kid whole, digested him and shit out the remains. When Chuck said that was "moving", he meant moving his bowels.