On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and
asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear, that night I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck
the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years
later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished.'

3 men discuss the worst age to be "Sixty is the worst age to be," said
the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of
the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin,"
said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel
movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all
day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty
is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the
60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your
bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated,
the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every
morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up
until 7:00."

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom,
cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Annie: What’s that?

Molly: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Annie: Where did you get it?

Molly: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Annie hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The bloke, obviously embarrassed, looks at her very strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks
what brand she prefers.

Annie: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."