Two Mexicans are on bikes along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of
Lafayette, LA.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back
into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him
for a ride.

He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into
the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he
agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the
driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.

Sure enough "Old Smokey" pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the
driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs".

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the
trailer.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many
officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many
officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it...
two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already. I need
help!"

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on with really strong accents. They sit down and
have a conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma together. I
come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You dirty-mouth pigs," yelled the lady
.” In this country . . . we don't speak dirty in
public places about our sex lives. . . "

"Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you?," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta
sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "....why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"I no rike Jews either!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain,
"It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah... all same!"

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the fuckin' skippin'

Two Scotsmen were discussing how far each could make a £2 coin reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes.He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, “I know you can’t beat that for stretching £2.”

The other Scotsman said, “I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for £2, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my £2 back.”