A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly
dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's
it going?" he asked.

The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter.
I've been crazy about it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger."

A little old lady went into the Bank
of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's
office.

The bank president then asked her
how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash
out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by
all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked,
"Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet
you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady
then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer
with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
president.

That night, the president got very
nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him
to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well,
Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing,
except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's
balls in my hand."

A Scotsman, Cuban, American and a lawyer are on a train.

The Scotsman takes a bottle of the best Whiskey out of his rucksack, pours some into a glass and declares, "In Scotland, we have the best Whiskey in the world. Nowhere in the world can you find whiskey as good as the one we produce in Glasgow. And ye know what? We have so much of it, we can throw it away." With that he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. The others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas from his pocket, lights one and says, "In Cuba, we have the best Cigars in the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world are there so many and so good cigars. And you know what? We have so many of them we can throw them away." With that the Cuban, rolls down the window and tosses the pack of Havanas out of it. Everybody is quite impressed.

The American stands up, takes a deep breath, opens the window and throws the lawyer through it...

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the s*** out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the s*** out of a lawyer, there's nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..."