Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does
everything absolutely backwards.

Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine
every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near

died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her

to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24
enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh
my God!", said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to

prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the
third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a
personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed
to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about
his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club
your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your
last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more
than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's
advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came
to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his
hospital bed.

"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.

"Uh, well ... there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon.
"I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change
operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another
erection?"

"Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody
else's."

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants
her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the
breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you
not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went
through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears."

Patient: Doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Doctor: Wait a minute please.

Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.

Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
Boy: What time was it?

Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

When a guy says "Will you marry me?"
He actually means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

Patient: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Doctor: Yes, pregnancy.