Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on
earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there
are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women,
there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by
your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me
proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the
only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't really know. My wife just told me to
stand here."

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter". To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!".

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?". To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!".

The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico".

To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Believe in your presence of mind and never panic!!!!!!!!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example,
is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine .
. . . Really.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as
football or tanks.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.

25.No talking at the urinal.

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

30.Real men don't dance.

It seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing,"

God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very special ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here? Oh yes, brains...

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight? "Sophia, startled, says "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that. He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red.
He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true." Carmella answers," Yes,
Yes Giorgio, I no wear panties tonight.." Giorgio gasps and says ..

"Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes..