A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get
dinner.'

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down &
cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!"

The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."

The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"