A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when
he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
"I've always been a big fan of the Pope.
Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat
down in the seat next to him for the flight!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off,
the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman.
"I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps,
if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the
gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you
know a four letter word referring to a woman
that ends with the letters 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "OH MY GOODNESS!!"
thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope THAT?!?!
Surely there MUST be another word!"

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then
it hit him! Turning to the pope, the gentleman said,
"I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as
gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES - $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have
to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed
the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER - $50.00."

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.

The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."