Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a
building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her
pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football, I can catch him"

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch
it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the
third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell
phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a
personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed
to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about
his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club
your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your
last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more
than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

Unfortunate Sports Names

10. Toby Oshitola: Soccer player (striker) for Barnet (UK).

9. Jack Glasscock: Shortstop and second baseman for Cleveland, 1879-95.

8. Harry Colon: Former defensive back for the Detroit Lions.

7. Rusty Kuntz: Former outfielder for the Detriot Tigers.

6. Dean Windass: Soccer player (forward) for Middlesbrough in the UK.

5. Ron Tugnutt: NHL goalie (Dallas Stars).

4. Misty Hyman: US Olympic swimmer.

3. Dick Trickle: NASCAR driver.

2. Gregor Fucka: Slovenian basketball player who now plays for Barcelona.

1. Pull Dickoff: Soccer player for West Ham United in the UK.

Thanks to Chortler.com

The Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not even a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"